Am I a "Starbucks Imperialist"? Um, Yes. Posted by Shadi Hamid

Ok, as some of you may know, I'm a Starbucks enthusiast/imperialist (i.e. I believe that we should impose the Starbucks "way of life" on foreign peoples). I dwelled on this "way of life" at length in previous posts which informed many, amused some, and confounded others. I then went on to declare myself a "Starbucksist." Starbucksism/"Starbucks Peace Theory" are new ideas of mine I've been working on which will help us defeat the scourge that is Islamofacism and will hopefully keep those Goddamn MuslimInvadersOfEurope at bay. Arabs and Muslims hate coffee! Latte-drinkers of the world unite.

We - the civilized peoples of the West (this may or may not include Venezuela) - are bound together by a common love of coffee, and mochachocaskimtripleextrahotlattes. I also recently tried the Blueberries and Creme frappuchino and it was absolutely positively super wondrous. It took me to a different place (metaphorically) and made me even less tolerant of those who go to other coffee shops (you're either with us or against us. If you're sitting on a fence, start standing).

But, wait, there is a new contender in town. I am not, at the current moment, in/at/on the patio of a Starbucks. I am at Saxby's - a new coffee chain that recently opened in DC, and which boasts free wi-fi. And it has just been revealed to me by a friendly but unassuming barrista that Saxby's offers free drip coffee refills. At SBux, refills are 55 cents. This is a significant difference. Yes, it appears Saxby's is trying to win me over to their side in the battle of ideas. Stay tuned, oh fearless ones.

Comments

[An Outhouse]

Dude, get more sleep after you've been drinking all night. It may help the coherency thing.

[Howl]

As soon as your 'Starbucks Peace Theory' is noted as not being a new idea of yours, but a blatant rip-off of Thomas Friedman, then I'll take it seriously. :)

[liberalrob]

Didn't Arabs and Muslims INVENT coffee? That whole "Arabica" thing?

I dunno, I'm not a coffee achiever. Free refills does sound like a winning business plan; I know my dad would approve.

[Tyro]

Didn't Arabs and Muslims INVENT coffee? That whole "Arabica" thing?

No, it was the Ethiopians. And the Ottoman Turks popularized it.

I believe that the Omani/Yemeni Arabs had quite the monopoly on the export of coffee beans for a while, though.

[buermann]

Arabs discovered it in its native Ethiopia, brought it back to Arabia/Yemen and cultivated it there, from whence it spread across the greater middle east, where after bouts of prohibition it was slowly accepted as wholly Islamic (c.f. Pope Clement VIII).

In what would now be called a violation of intellectual property rights the Dutch took plants from Yemen in the early 1600s, and developed coffee cultivation in it's warmer colonies, and a century later the French similarly took it from the Dutch. It's popularity in America was only the result of the rampant wild-eyed anti-Britainism of our founding insurgents.

Tea may be more popular in the Arab world, but I hear you still can't set your coffee down unfinished without insulting your Muslim host. The great clash of civilizations might be ameliorated by reducing the portion of Western servings. Starbucks could contribute to this enterprise greatly by removing the Venti from the menu, and re-introducing the short.

[Thomas Allen]

Careful --NYPD Intelligence has determined that cafes are "radicalization incubators" that provide "extremist fodder or fuel for radicalization."

[eric]

Are rampant union busting and lousy working conditions part of the "Starbucks way of life" that we should be imposing on others?

[buermann]

Absolutely, union busting and lousy working conditions are the very pinnacle of advanced capitalist post-industrial development. Nones the worse for the curse.

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