Playing Tennis with Rush Limbaugh Posted by Shadi Hamid

Before going to sleep last night, I had an “Al Sharpton binge,” also known as that weird time of the day (usually Sunday), where one is overcome by an uncontrollable urge to watch clips of Sharpton pontificating on YouTube. I stumbled upon a 6-minute clip of Sharpton’s debate with Christopher Hitchens on whether God “is great” (Sharp) or whether He “poisons everything” (Hitch). At one point, Sharpton says, "as for the one Mormon running for office, those who really believe in God will defeat him anyway, so don't worry, that's a temporary situation."

Anyway, I was sufficiently amused by the whole exchange, and then went quickly to sleep. But then I had a really weird dream. I was, um, playing tennis with Rush Limbaugh. We had a sort of deal going: If he won, that meant that God was on his side. If I won, that meant God was on "our side" (don’t worry, most Democracy Arsenal readers are on the latter). As you might imagine, I was really nervous. A lot was riding on this. The future of our cosmic destiny was essentially in my hands. I can’t remember how I got in touch with Rush’s agent, and I was somewhat baffled that Rush would even accept, considering I’m actually pretty good at tennis (varsity singles, baby). Anyway, I dominated right off the bat. Rush wasn't his usual gregarious self. After a few points, he was panting, and lunging nervously for his water bottle. Before I knew it, I was up 3-0. My forehand was doing wonders, and my serve was like a lightning bolt. I looked up and I thanked God for my good fortune. And then I winded up for yet another precisely-placed serve. Ace! Eat that Rush! Yes! I shouted, taunted, and dallied around the court, beside myself, ecstatic, and knowing that, yes, there was no longer any doubt. The Democrats would win. God was building a permanent majority for us. And then suddenly, I woke up, flustered, not knowing where I was. I sat up, looked around, and realized I was in my room. It wasn't real. Ha. I smiled.

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